Flash of Thoughts!

At ladies hostel, some of the inmates were lecturers in an engineering college, some were students doing their professional courses,and the rest of them worked at an airport. With the help of recommendations of some priests, my aunt managed to admit me in that hostel. The warden, who was a nun allotted a single room for me, since she did not want me to share the room with those seniors. I was studying in seventh standard then.

As a child with all the naughtiness, friends of my age were few for me.  So, I did not want to stay in a residential school. I liked the idea of staying in a working women’s hostel. The idea of the new room, and those senior hostel mates excited me. There were some special rules for me, like compulsory study time and I was not allowed to visit other rooms and all.

After reaching there, hundreds of young hostelmates looked at me with extreme enthusiasm. (The question in their eyes had been ‘what this little kid is doing here?’). It made me little nervous, all the excitement were drained out from me. When I overheard they worried about my silence, I relaxed, and went to talk to them.

Despite of all these restrictions, there was an immense amount of freedom for me, as a child. I was glad for the reason that I did not have to stay in my relative’s place because it was not like my home. Born as a single child of working parents, I felt very difficult to adjust with them.

My room had been in between the rooms of the ladies who were teaching in an engineering college.

There I met Sonal Ayyappan, , she had been working in an engineering college, I used to call her Sonal chechi, who was around 12 years elder to me.  So the bond between us was more like an elder sister.

To my surprise, Sonal chechi spoke to warden and took a special permission so that I could enter her room. Obviously this made me very happy.

On a weekend, I visited her room. There was a new visitor in her room, her name was Selvy and was her colleague. Then Sonal chechi introduced me to her as the youngest fellow of the hostel.

The days passed with my new hostel life.

One day, While I was sitting inside Sonal’s room playing game in her phone, Selvy chechi came there.

Selvy spoke with her delightful voice to Sonal Chechi, about a visit she did to her home town. “I boarded into the bus, and bought ticket to Munnar. I engulfed myself in the greenery on the way to Moonar. An old lady sat beside me, and started talking to me. Initially it was usual things a passenger would ask to her fellow passenger.”

Their conversations made me curious to know further. I stopped my game in the phone.

Selvy continued, “Later I don’t remember anything other than that old lady asked me to board down at the stop. Automatically I stood up from my seat, my eyes transfixed on that old lady. And she was to board down from the bus and I was following her.”

“Suddenly the conductor spoke to me in a thundering voice, ‘Your ticket is to Moonar’.  All of a sudden I gained my consciousness and realized what was going to happen. The old lady stared harshly at the conductor, because the conductor understood the lady’s intention.” Selvy sighed happily and concluded that it was because of that man, she was there talking to both of us.The old lady was trying to take her to somewhere else. Then no one knows what would have been her future then.

Did that lady hypnotize her? Or gave her something to smell, which made her drowsy?  I did not ask her that, but I made my mind to deal with that kind of situations.

Then I came back to the game. And the phone was locked!. I thought to unlock it myself rather than asking Sonal chechi to do it. Four or six times I tried, as the result SIM card was also blocked. I looked Sonalchechy with a sorry in my eyes. Sonalchechi did not say a word to me but her expressions made me feel terrible and I left the room.

Well,correcting and guiding me, was Sonalchechi’s favorite hobby, not by scolding or advising me, but by not talking to me, till I correct myself.  And for me she was more than a sister. Even my mom wonder the way we share the bond.

That evening passed, and next day Sonal chachi went to the temple without telling me, I went to Selvi chechi’s room. She comforted me saying that Sonal chechi’s phone got repaired. As we started speaking, she curiously wanted to know the feelings, difficulties and pains of a girl child staying in a hostel.

For me, I was glad, doing things independently, meeting different people in hostel and out of that few were close to me, and above all Sonalchechy is there. And more over to that there was no need to loose in the fights I used to have with my cousin brothers while staying in their house.

I felt that Selvy also considered me as her younger sister, also become a chechy to me. I smiled at her as I was so happy.

I scanned her room. My eyes caught the glimpse of the book titled, “The Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking”. Few words struck me ‘the Big Bang’ and ‘Black Holes’.

I asked her about the Big Bang, She began to tell about it with great eagerness.

‘’In the beginning of time, the matter of the Universe was concentrated to a single point, it exploded at some instant and that theory about the origin of the Universe is called the Big Bang.’’

It was for the first time, I heard a scientific explanation for the origin of the Universe. It made me further inquisitive to know about it.

Next question came, as that was my favorite hobby, ‘’and the Black Holes?’’ ‘’It’s one of the stages of the death of the star, Because of its high gravity even the light cannot escape from it. The formation of the black hole is based on the mass of the star. If the mass is above Chandrasekhar limit,  that is 1.44 times the solar mass, the black holes are formed.’’ She said.

‘’What would happen to Sun?’’ I smiled at her. “As its hydrogen burning stops, its outer layer behind to expand near the earth’s orbit and the stage is called red giant.”

I was excited with the scientific thoughts bombarded by her. It encouraged me ask more questions.  And the session continued.

I asked her, ‘Can I borrow this book?’

She was very eager give me that book and also reminded me that it was borrowed from a friend.

Sonalchechi started talking to me, and every thing become normal.

The school week days started. Afterwards, when I just search the book on my table it wasn’t there, I thought as I did not take it to school, it would be misplaced some where in the room. I have decided to search the book on the weekend.

Weekend’s was my super cleaning days. I enjoyed cleaning in a single day, rearranging the cupboard and all. Inspiration,as usual came from Sonal chechi. Her room used to be extra clean. I would create that feel for a single day or may be few hours. On that day, I realized that my book had been missing. But where did I kept it?

On the same day, Selvy chechi asked me, “Allu, where’s  the book?” I replied, “I would return the book on Saturday”. By that time I made up my mind to buy a new book.

The next school day, I did not take my cycle to school, to go to book stall after the class, I decided to walk one hour. And in the evening, I went to bookstall, where I used to visit with my parents, and this time I was alone.

The Owner of the shop looked at me, “Is there Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking?” “No”, He replied with no emotion. My heart sank into the earth. And noticing my face he replied, “I could place an order for the book if you want but will take few days to get it”. And I ordered with a feeling of success.

Waiting for the return bus to the hostel, as I cycles daily to the school, I hardly had experienced this rush, I felt like I might be sandwiched inside it and did not enter.

I got late, had no option but to enter a jeep (bus had been a better choiceL). Finally managed to reach the hostel by 6 30.

For my happiness the warden, my “beloved”, short tempered nun, was standing near the gate. ‘‘Where were you?’’ I looked straight into her eyes, “I went to buy a book”. ‘‘Who gave you permission?’’.

I bowed my head. She screamed, “You can leave, the hostel tomorrow with your box and bed”

I comforted myself with a proverb in my head, “Korakkum Patti Kadikilya“ (Barking Dog Never Bites), And went inside my room.

Days passed, Saturday, the day I committed to give back the book, my alarm was ringing at 5.45 am,  usual time Selvy chechi leaves the hostel to her home. She will be back only on Monday, the day I get the book from the shop.   After switching off the alarm, I continued sleeping.  I woke up slowly by 8 and went to the mess hall.  Alas! To a great surprise, in the mess hall Selvy chechi is pouring tea from the kettle!. She didn’t go!  I ran back to hide myself away from her, I decided to take a shower.  In between my shower, she called and said something to me. Among my thoughts, I did not hear what she said or I didn’t want to. After my shower, I went inside my room.

The book was lying on my bed!

Tears of joy, anger, guilt filled my throat…..

The days went on as usual. I tried to avoid Selvy chechy after that incident.

On a calm weekend, Selvi chechy called me. “Did I do any mistake?”  I am afraid but didn’t remember anything. Any way I reached there, recollecting the past days incidents. Again surprising me, Selvi chechi poured her unconditional sisterly affection on me. And called me into her room, and gave me a pizza, as we were having it together. She spoke to me in her usual captivating voice, “Allu, I’m vacating hostel “.  That phrase used to make me terribly sad.  But then I was neither much sad nor much happy.  Not because of the reason that I did not like her, but I could not recover from my sadness from not telling her the truth about the book. Till then I could not forgive myself.

And I asked her. “Why is that chechy?”  She replied “I got a job in DRDO”

DRDO? I asked her, Defense Research Development Organization, as a scientist, I congratulated her. But even then  I was confused to say sorry for the previous incident. As reading my mind she started saying that she did not mean to make me sad by hiding the fact that, she got the book from the reading room. She felt angry about my carelessness since the book could be lost. She just wanted me to tell her the truth.

It is my habit to forget and search for things. But since it was her book, I took care of it. I did not remember keeping the book anywhere else other than in my room. How could it reach to study room?

She made me realize the importance of telling the truth as soon as possible. I did not justify myself by telling about my idea of buying the new book. We spoke some time and I went to my room with heaviness in my heart.

The next day, she was all set to leave the hostel. She visited our corridor, where me and Sonalchechi stayed. I was standing beside my door. She looked both of us with tears in her eyes, and left the corridor. Sonal chechi looked and said to me, “She was a nice woman with lots of struggles, let her live happily “. All the love and affection she had given to me was flashed in my mind.

Alka Jeena Rajeev

A day with my teeth!

It was a school day for a girl of seven years old. With her short, uncombed hair, missing uniform, tie or belt perhaps. She entered into the compound of the school.

The day started with her mathematics class. The task was to answer the multiplication table. The teacher started questioning row wise. I started to count on my fingers and answered her smartly. Well, many were standing because of not answering. The class leader, a smart, cute girl with long hair told the teacher.” Ma’am, she counted on her fingers”. Following that I received my detention with sticks and I stared at Aathi.

And it reached noon, the smart, cute girl with long hair named Aathi had to monitor the lunch of everyone in the class to see if they were finishing it or not. She looked at me as I was about to leave the class without finishing the lunch. She asked me to finish the food as failing in her duty means to face scolding from the class teacher. ­I refused her as I was feeling like vomiting. She started to use her physical power over me by holding my hands tightly and denying me to leave class.

I didn’t see any option other than that. So I did it, I bite her until her finger started bleeding. She left off me, I went to wash my hands very gladly.

And I returned to the class, she told the story of biting to every teacher who came to class on the rest of the day. They all kissed me with their sticks.  I went home, as that great day had come to an end.

Even though, I was anxious about teachers calling my parents to complain. Fortunately, no one informed them. Obviously, I hide all the stories from mom.

It was next day afternoon. I was glad of the fact that there was no kissing with sticks on that day. And it was the dance hour. We all went to the dance class. All were sitting in a circle with an idol of Nataraja at the center. Teacher entered into the class, unexpectedly Aathi described the previous day’s story to the teacher as she has been a very good dancer and her pet. I bowed down my culprit-face, expecting the soothing  touch of her stick.

But I heard the most dramatic question of my life. She just looked at me and asked to the students.  “Does Alka have any friends in this class?” If yes, please kindly raise your hands.”

I glanced curiously everyone with a bowing head.

Not a single hand went up.

Tears were chocked in my throat. Perhaps it might have filled in my eyes too. It seldom happens.

It has been a habit for me to listen to this kind of reproach, and remarks.  And I had my attitude of don’t care nature. I used to wander in my own world and my own happiness.

After that incident, I was feeling so bad, smile faded, thoughts broken, loneliness taking my soul.

After a few days, Aathi sensed my sadness, and she sympathized with me and we became friends again. We hugged and played with each other with an overwhelming happiness, and I was happy because all the issues sorted out. It did not reach to mom also.

Later in the night, my mom received a call from Aathi’s mom. She was yelling at my mom,” Your daughter, she had bitten my kid’s hand. I just neglected it and forgiven. But today,  my daughter is suffering from headache as her head was hit on the wall”.

My mom, said Sorry to Aathi’s mom, and admitted that her daughter is bit naughty. Then Aathi’s mom screamed at my mom,” Your daughter is naughty, so you don’t want me to send my daughter to the school?” Mom replied her with silence.

When mom conveyed the same to me. But I just wondered about that incident as I did not remember hitting her head or quarreling with her on that day.

My mom knew even if we were quarreling with each other, I liked Aathi, and she was the only person who cared for me, despite of me being very naughty.

I pondered over it again, and I don’t remember anything other than hugging her on that day. Perhaps at that time she might have hit her head on the wall.  My life has been playing unfair to me…..

And my mom decided to come to school. She went straight to vice Principal Radhabhai Kunjamma. She expected some lovely stories of the adventures of her daughter.  I had butterflies in my stomach as they were having  private talk with each other.

On the way back to home my Mom assured me by saying that, Vice principal was not really angry with you. She told me not to punish you, as you would change and become a very nice girl once you grow up and said that her younger daughter was also like you in her childhood.

My world and thoughts give more acceptances to dad. But my feelings were always naked with my mom,  I listened to her even though I was reluctant to do so.  She sensed my disappointment and fear than me.

I always wanted to befriend with Aathi as she was really a good student in the class unlike me. And I succeeded in it, not so fast after all it took minimum five years.

And looking back at the small incident, she was a child who has motivated me to learn and be nice to classmates in my childhood. Even today we cherish our memories of being together and laugh at my teeth marks on her finger.

Alka Jeena Rajeev

Monologue of an elephant

Being a jungle being

They caught me

Gave me name

Padmanabhan

The name of Lord Vishnu! 

 

Rewinding the catch

Chains were put over my legs

Shades were taken away from me

Scorching sun kissed me

The kiss from my soulmate

Snatched away…

Instead gave me goat soup

For a  pure vegetarian like me

To compose my lust!

 

Eyesight of mine

Taken away… 

To elude my fear…

Adorning my agony ….

 

My legs turned white

With chronic scars

The polished people

Made me a toy

Glimpsed at my decorations

Forgetting my nature

 

Concrete-being hails me

With his feudal hypocrisy

Domestic  elephant !

 

~Alka Jeena Rajeev

Behind the Scenes

In my childhood I had heard that my mom acted in a play in her teenage, the people were so overwhelmed in her acting. When she lost her father like the character in her play even said “*arampatty” (Repeated in real life). Afterwards her dream of acting slept dormant in the unexpected journey of her life.

After many years I was surprised when a national award winning director Priyanadanan asked her whether she is willing to do a play  after one day interaction with her, that too for a solo performance. It was so overwhelming for me to watch rehearsal of a renowned director. I was glad to accompany her, but it could not be completed in u a e because the director had hectic schedules. When he invited her to Kerala for doing the play she could not go as she was working in u a e. I had been more disappointed than her as the drama was cancelled.

One year after  above incident. On a fine day my mom’s sister called her and asked whether she is willing to do a play. The director was known to my mom’s sister as she had done a play with him. The director was brought by a team “*Nataka Souhradham” from Abu Dhabi. He  had not been satisfied with the two female actors who were considered to do the main role.

As her sister asked her to meet him she decided to go and tell the director there was a practical difficulty of travelling 170 km one side as we were staying in Sharjah, It would be difficult to come to the rehearsals and she did not want to join the team.  But after seeing her the director affirmed that there is no need  to look for another actor for the role. But the distance was too much and she feared to take the task. Then I insisted her to go to the play .

As it was my vacation I was lucky enough to accompany her to the rehearsal camp. I had been more excited than my mom.  It was only possible to go to the rehearsal for my mom on weekends.Though it was nice to watch the rehearsal, I easily got bored and uncomfortable as I found it difficult to interact with people there. To hide my inhibitions I tried to watch some movies rather than enjoying each scene and improvisation made on it. The director observed me, and noticed my discomfort. He told me to have a walk around. And then I started to fight against my introvert nature and tried to conceive the theatre. The beauty in the theatre began to blossom in my eyes, I began to wonder the way in which the director perceives each scene. By that time in the theatre camp, I started interacting with the team, removing my timid mask.

Even though I am so much happy to say about the way she got involved in the drama, it was not that passionate my behavior with her. Many times, on the way  from Sharjah to Abu Dhabi, she told me to say the dialogues of the drama. So that she could rehearse her dialogues in the car. As she could not get time to revise the dialogues in between office works and the home making. I was being lazy and wished to enjoy the radio. It was only one time, I decided to say the dialogues to her and read it out. She just asked me to modulate my voice and deliver the dialogues, but I just scooted it immediately.

She was sad and even scolded me to a great extent out of her disappointment. She had given me courage throughout my life supported and encouraged me at every plight of my life. When it was the time to support her. I was being lazy out of my inferiority complex as I did not consider myself good enough to deliver dialogues. Or subconsciously was I being jealous?

In between the rehearsal camp an emergency came to the director. He had to go Kerala as he wanted to participate in the International movie festival being held at Kerala, where he was awarded the New Best director award for his feature film “Chayilyam”. We lacked lots of rehearsals. He came back just four days before the competition. When he came back the drama rehearsal had become so hectic.

We had to stay in the house of her co-actor. Two days of continuous morning to evening rehearsal in the open air made her chest congested. We  went to see the doctor and he gave antibiotics to her and she was advised to drink the lukewarm water.  Since she was not troubled with the throat, the director was half relieved that she could recover before the drama was to be staged on January 3^rd.

It was New Year eve, I asked my mother not to scold me on Jan 1st. But that morning she started correcting and scolded me for my behavior. I was shattered about my new year and we went to the rehearsal camp. All the day she was silently revising her dialogues and movements. I was roaming here and there without talking to her because of the morning clash.

In the evening the first run-through rehearsal was being held. I had to arrange the properties of my mom, she was skeptical about me managing the properties of her. As any mistakes from my part have to pay a huge price. The first run through rehearsal was started, and for the first scene, I gave water to her from the kettle. She complained about the coldness of the water.

I took lukewarm water again to give her after the next scene. Suddenly another actor saw water in my hands and asked me for the water and I gave it him. He told me that the water had been cold. As I was holding the water in a Styrofoam cup, I was not able to know the degree of hotness. I wondered cold!

Again I poured water into the kettle, as the water was cold so that I could make it lukewarm.  I poured the water directly from the kettle and give to her after the next scene, without noticing anything else. I was only thinking about the properties used by her in that scene.

She gulped the water immediately and then started crying. I heard it but didn’t realize the situation and started thinking about the properties. Then another co-actor  who noticed it, asked me to get some first aid for her. Then I realized that I gave her the boiled water not the lukewarm water. The gravity of the incident shook my soul.

I ran from there to get some first aid for her. Behind me I heard that my mom saying to the co-actor to follow me and to take care of me. My mom used to advise or scold me for my minute mistakes but now I have done a severe carelessness and which caused a serious problem for her but then she didn’t show a slight sign of anger.

I asked somebody about the first aid and he said to give her tomatoes and cold water.

Afterwards she completed her first run-through rehearsal. My mom tried to calm down the circumstances, started saying “if she had given ‘boiled water’ to her mother what would she give to her mother in law”.

Everybody laughed but only few of them including the director, realized the seriousness of the situation and my Mom too felt it.

At night she shared her anxiety and asked me to pray because it was a team work. A lot of time and investment were put by others to participate in Bharat Murali Natakoltsvam.

The next day morning I overheard my mom talking to dad in a very miserable voice. She barely could open her mouth and was severely burned. Under her tongue there was a  thick  layer of swelling, the color of her entire mouth was yellow, the color of puss. Then he asked her to see the doctor immediately. He also did not scold me as usual as he always pampers me. But my Mom……

The morning itself they  took us to the hospital, I did not go to the doctor’s room. Obviously I had been thinking about the doctor’s reaction over me. There also I overheard the doctor saying “How this happened? Everything is burned.  Who did this to you? Then my Mom told her that it was a mere accident. No one did it purposely. When the doctor insisted, she told its my daughter who gave it.  My mom continued it was an accident she is very much upset. The doctor sighed. As it was her daughter who gave water, I was not arrested otherwise it could have been a serious crime.

When we reached the camp all the actors and the associate directors were giving me weird looks. And the actor who played Mallika’s son came to me and said, “ Even the water you gave me was also too hot.” I did not reply as he sarcastically said it was cold. My throat was just filled with tears. Guilt was taking life away from me. I thanked god that his mouth was not burned. By the evening, as my mom was diabetic, her condition become worst.

I didn’t dare to face my Mom, or see her agony. But she came to me and told me that she won’t  mind what other people would say or think. But matters my feelings and thoughts and asked me not to show an unpleasant face, and told me “Your happiness is my energy to do the drama”. It was the toughest advice for me.

Anu (who played her daughter character in the drama) told that if she did this to her Mom, she would have slapped me at the moment and will keep scolding me till she gets cured. But my mom did not slap me, she cried and next moment she behaved as if nothing has happened and she lightened the situation saying jokes and all. She does not want me to feel bad.

On the same day the director need the first and last light rehearsal, the organizers want to see the final  performance before screening it to the public to ensure that there is nothing against the law in it.

By the evening her health had worsened, her tongue became thick and it was getting impossible to do the drama. She didn’t have the energy even to stand up. And the character demands a lot of energy. And some of them took her to another doctor, as we were staying away from our home and my dad was in Sharjah. I was feeling guilty to accompany to her to the doctor’s room once again.

He said that she has a severe burning till where he could see her mouth. It is sure that  its burned her throat also. He gave her heavy dose medicines and give her a drip also. For the first time after the incident I could not stop my tears. I just went to some lonely place to cry, but some of the team members found me and I went to my mother. She noticed my tension and told me to be happy as it is her energy. After taking the glucose, which gave her some strength, she went  to the rehearsal camp. There they did the drama for the screening committee. The director told her not to take much strain.

The light rehearsal was done theoretically only. She was on stage from 9 pm till 6.30 am the next day in the morning. No run through light rehearsal was done.

She thought that she would be fine with yesterday’s glucose. She did not think about going to hospital again and her health deteriorated by evening. And the play was at evening 8 pm.

With the costumes, she had been crying because her voice was not coming, I heard the announcement “The Drama Pirana would be played at 8 pm”. And the heavy dose medicine had started taking its side effects like diarrhea. I had been engaged in arranging the properties of Mallika.

I suddenly noticed Rookia the second lead female character of the drama with her kid of age 8 years. Before the drama she was revising her dialogues with his son, I remembered the past of evading my mom’s eyes drenched with faith in me asking to help her to learn the dialogues.

And I glimpsed at my  mom’s pained eyes.

I became busy in arranging her properties. The theatre began, when I gave her lukewarm water this time between the theatre, she was burning with pain. In the first scene she tried to deliver her dialogue in her usual manner. But she cracked her voice. Then she changed the pitch and was continuing. I was tensed.

My dad was sitting in the back row because he could not believe that she can do it. He did not even meet or wish her before the show. He was that much upset by the incident. The director also did not show his face to her. But a lot of people wished and prayed for her and gave their best wishes also.

I was praying for each of the moment of her action. But she continued her performance with reduced voice. In between the director came and asked whether my mom was fine or not. He feared about the moment she would break her rhythm in acting, then I replied that she is fine and showed a pleasant confident face to him.

The drama ended in a nice way with my mom’s high level of endurance. After the drama, so many people came to the stage who were the part of another theatre group said to my mom  that she was an ultimate actor. Asked about the way she modulated her voice for the drama in such a brilliant manner, the director was happy seeing the acceptance of the people.

I was the only person who was sad and was carrying the guilt of my mistake, that because of me her performance was not her best as she always craved for the perfection. I went home without talking much to anyone. The result had been announced on January 6. I was sad if my mom had been healthy it was obvious that she could have been at her best level. Because of my lack of courage I sat with my dad during the time when the result was being announced. .

Firstly the ‘qualified directors’ started the post mortem of other plays. I was hoping for the best and happy when other plays were being criticized. They started with our drama Pirana. They said that the drama was full of violence because of the riot scenes I was like a hopeless bird in the cage. But then began, The role of Mallika was so good, They appreciated her physical stamina , the way she modulated her dialogues and appreciated her acting skills and awarded the Best Actor(female) Award in the Bharat Murali Natakoltsvam. The irony is that the drama had been negatively criticized for almost every aspect but the acting of Mallika was appreciated fabulously.

The director came and told me after the result announcement that he did not know what he could have done if it were somebody else in your place. He said that theatre is just like as his breath. I just gave him a smile and admired his patience, if it was me I would not have shown such patience. Later my mom told me that It’s not the pain of my burning that affected me, but your attitude towards me, when you denied to read the script hurt me…

~ Alka Jeena Rajeev